Slow week..

So, it's a slow week in the world of online dating - despite the bleedin' HOURS I'm investing in it.

Perhaps it's the summer but there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of the kind of guy I'm looking for online. And a whole load of the ones I, as a rule, avoid.  These include: 

• The emotionally clingy as identified by expressions such as "Hey honey how are you. Chat soon, David xx " etc in their first email contact.
• Guys who allude to sex in their first contact.
• Guys whose profile say they use drugs, are looking for a one night stand or are from Cavan. Just messing about the Cavan bit.
• Those who live more than 30 miles away. Sorry Chad from Conneticut, I'm sure you're right and we could have made sweet music but I got my rules...
• Guys who stress terms like "open-minded" and "fun times" in their profiles. Reading between the lines? They're looking for nipple tassles and strap-ons on date 1.
• Guys who actually mention strap-ons in their profiles..
• Guy's who's profile pictures show them topless. Or in the bath. Or flexing muscles.
• I'm 34. So anyone who's out of my target age bracket  - 33 - 39. And if I'm being honest it's 32 - 36 but in the interest of opening my mind...
• (Actually, that's another difference between men and women - most men want a girl up to 15 years younger than them while a woman wants a guy her own age - but anyway, I'll save that for another post....)
• Because I'm fussy about grammar and punctuation - and call me a snob if you must - I ignore guys who find it accepable to say things like "your lovely" and "i'm looking for an Easy Goin Women"
• Because I'm over 13 years old, anyone who uses text speak  - it's one hell of a turnoff.

Long enough list, isn't it?  Oh Romeo, wherefore art thou...

We need to talk about Kevin

This is the story of Kevin. 

A flavour

Have I got a treat for you...  When you join an online dating site, you receive all kinds of emails. From the zero effort (hi. how're u?) to the creepy (hey baby, want to give some young c0ck a break?) to the plain bizarre.  Below is an unprompted first email I received from "Gar" (on POF in case anyone is wondering what sites to avoid) - original punctuation and bad spelling included.

"Im sick o this sh*t, im not perfect r anything but u said ur singlwe 6 months and arent getting any ,try being me single for years and still not gettin closer to setting sum ,,

ok the boxes which u have which i can tick are the big shoulders box and the swimming box ,,also im quite good at guitar so i could teach u that 2 ,,in exchamge for sex of course if thats ok with u cause i may as well start trading for it ,i aint gonna get it any other way cause i never seem to tick the watch what u say r language box ,but i am pretty deadly on guitasr so bear that inm mind next time your trying to learn a metallica solo,,,, 

not much good with computerzs though ,alwauys seem to press the send button b4 im done by mistake ansd jus one more thing ,boybandz are shite ,beginning middle and end of story ,

ok and finally id like to ask why u dont have a picture of yourself up cause u sound lovely and if u think im askin cause im afraid your fat ,im not ,.. i love fat chicks too ,more o them to love thats all and im seriouis about that so stop bein so sexist and homophobic please

anyway ,i doubt u will get back to me but if u decide that my mail was in fact funny and not psychotic,im Gar ,i have big shoulders an average sized willy and im lookin for a girlfreind ,,o ye and im deadly on guitar.  what do u really look like :)?" 

Are your eyes hurting?  "Boybandz"? "Sexist and homophobic"?  No clue.  A depressing thought: is this indicitive of the calibre of single men in Ireland..?

Serial fiancée...

Work and holidays delayed my plans but once I settled down to it, Match.com seemed to get off to a good start. I invested an hour winking and emailing a few interesting enough looking prospects. And one, Rory, got back pretty much straight away and asked me out.  I kind of liked his approach and so ended up meeting him for a drink after work during the week.  And it was, well... not great if I'm being honest.

He seemed ok for the first hour until I agreed to have dinner with him. (Seriously, have I learned nothing? I know that dinner on a first blind date is a bad idea).  He did an awful lot of talking about himself. He interrupted the few stories I had the chance to tell to make non-funny, often lewd jokes. He mentioned that he'd been engaged 3 times. I looked, I would imagine, quite incredulous at hearing this.  He quickly assured me that the first two weren't "real" engagements - he didn't didn't even get as far as a ring with one of them. So, third time lucky, he joked. Given that the marriage was a brief one and he was now separated, I didn't really agree.

He was just really not my type.  I fudged spectacularly when he asked to meet me again, made a hasty escape and haven't heard from him since.

So, I have one other prospect of a date in the pipeline. All in all though, I'm not loving Match.com this time around. There doesn't seem to be a significant number of men on it. I may be going back to POF at the end of my subscription after all.

Dusting myself off (again)

It's clearly time for a change in strategy - if only to keep myself enthused about the whole process.  So, I'm putting my POF account on the back burner for a while and re-joining Match.com.  And putting a photograph on my profile..

The "photo on profile" causes a lot of debate.  To date I have never posted a public photo. I say on my various profiles that I'm happy to share private photos but just don't want to post a public one.  And while I also include the fact that this is not because I'm hideous, famous or wanted for murder; it definitely puts some guys off engaging with you. And there is nothing as confidence shattering as building up a rapport with someone on email, getting excited by the sound of someone, getting hopeful about next steps, swapping photos... and never hearing from them again.

So why not post a photo?  The reason is that I just haven't been that brave - and I don't want to be in a work meeting wondering how many of the people around the table have seen me online desperately looking for love.  But, as by friend Liz said recently as she posted a photo to her own profile, what of it?  We are looking to meet someone and who cares who knows it?

So, taking a deep breath, I submitted a few (hopefully) witty lines, my credit card details and the best photo I could find to Match.com. And sat back and waited. And got a wink. And then another wink. And an email. (The email may have been from a 52 year old in France but it's still an email!).

So, I'm marginally excited about exploring the new possibilities on Match.com over the next while.  Will keep you posted.

Lucy.

PS: I've just been contacted (on POF) by "SpankMaster".  Now what do you think he was looking for??

Ok, next chapter..

Ok, so sporty David has finally strapped a pair on and dumped me. By text.  An hour before I was due to meet him for a date.

While I can console myself with the knowledge that he clearly wasn't the lovely guy I initially thought he was, gaddammit but it still hurts. Firstly, I really liked him. Secondly, someone treating you so shabbily really doesn't do your confidence a whole lot of good. 

All I can do is add this to the list of hilarious stories that I'll one day regale my wedding guests with and try and summon up the enthusiasm to get back online.  Not today though - I definitely need a bit more licking my wounds time. 

That glimmer is looking a bit dim....

I'm still seeing David. Kind of.  I'm no longer all that excited about it though - he's managing wonderfully to kill any excitement I have about him through his general apathy and lethergy. 

So, over the past 6 weeks, what with Easter, holidays, his very busy sports schedule, etc; the dates have been few and far between. To give you a sense of just how few and far between; I was due to see him today for the first time in over 2 weeks but he just cancelled. The last guy I dated I was seeing twice a week at this stage so I'm definitely not loving the frequency.

And the frequency is important. I want to see if David is potentially someone for me.  To make that assessment I at least need to be seeing him on a somewhat regular basis and hearing from him in between those dates.. I do like him and the dates are great but he never phones, he rarely texts and is completely lastminute.com about arranging to meet.  Am I just fooling myself and not facing the inevitable? 

And let me tell you about the inevitable.  The inevitable being that David is another of the type I seem to meet all the time.  In fact my friend Dee once said "Lucy, there are just some emotionally retarded men out there who will never be able for a relationship - and you seem to meet all of them".

Anyway, as I type - pissed off at being cancelled by text at the last minute - I fear I've probably met another emotionally useless one. Time will tell.

The Outlet...

So my friend Kate has an analogy on online dating. 

Online dating is like an outlet store. There's a reason why all of the fashion is there. A lot of it isn't great.  Some of it just never wore well on day one.  But for some of it - a few rare items - it's day in fashion is yet to come. And when that day comes; it will wear very, very well.

A glimmer..

So, I'm dating someone new.  ("Dating" - I sound like a New Yorker).  He's the first person that I've been remotely excited about since I started this whole process. His was actually one of the first profiles I saw a year ago when I started online dating but I though at the time that he looked a bit arrogant so I never contacted him.  He also specified that he was looking for someone very, very sporty....  Then about a month ago when I was back online after Donnacha I came across him again, added running to my list of hobbies on my profile and I added him to my favourites. And then he emailed me. And  I emailed back. And a week later he asked me out and then I broke ALL my rules and went on a Saturday night date with him. 

And three weeks later here we are.  So I like him,  Which is good. It's also a prize pain in the ass. Our first date was great - and I think the following 3 were great but he's giving nothing away so it's hard to call it.

So, we'll just have to watch this space. I'm meeting him again on Thursday (before I go on holidays on Saturday). So, like I said, time will tell..

Why am I still single?

I was going through my internet favourites folder this week and I came across this article "Why am I still single?" written by Gemma Soames in The Sunday Times a few years ago.  In her article Gemma talks hilariously but sincerely about being almost permanently single and the list of attributes the man of her dreams will possess.

All us singletons ask ourselves this question every now and again. Why am I still single?  We blame the apparent male:female ratio distortion, our mothers, our sins in a past life and ultimately ourselves for things we should have done differently, the lost love we clung on to for far too long, that dodgy haircut we probably sported for too many years...

But the reality is we all have some sort of list of what we're looking for - the things we are unwilling to compromise on.  In low moments, my friend Dr. Sarah has stated the minimum criteria she's looking for in a love match as "not hideous with no visible signs of criminal psychosis".  In her more optimistic moments she amends this to "A good kisser, who is not hideous or mean, with no visible signs of criminal psychosis". At the other end of the spectrum is a rather uptight friend of a friend whose non negotiable list includes the postcode the man grew up in, a post-graduate qualification, height, shoe size, eye colour, type of school attended as well as a raft of other, largely obnoxious, factors.

  

Reading Gemma's article I realised that I do have a bit of a list.  My last boyfriend taught me a lot about what I really valued. When I met him I realised that the few things that I’d always felt were non negotiable – entertaining extrovert, passionate interest in food, owner of a full head of hair - were not only negotiable; they were deeply unimportant in the greater scheme of things.

So, my list is as follows. a tall, handsome, slightly lonely, millionaire.  Kidding, I'm kidding!

So, seriously. His most defining features need to be his honesty and integrity. He needs to be calm without being excessively laid back.  He needs to be (quietly) confident without being in anyway over-powering. He needs to be good company without being attention seeking. He needs to be generous but easily accept generosity from me too.  He needs to eat vegetables.  I will fancy him like mad. He needs to be smart. He won't play games. He's not flashy or showey. He will think my stories are hilarious/insightful/incredibly interesting. In fact, he's going to think I'm fabulous.

He will have a healthy relationship with his family.  And be just old-fashioned enough (chivalrous, opens doors, walks on the outside of the pavement) but in no way chauvinistic or closed minded.  And I would choose his company over anyone else’s in the whole world. 

Like Gemma's list, this is the abridged criteria - and might explain why I'm single at (almost) 35 and online dating....

Back in the saddle...

So, I'm back on plentyoffish.com now for about three weeks.. I've created a new profile and I'm using some new photos - just to avoid the feeling of deja vu.  My first (badly written) contact was from a guy called Darren. His picture showed him laughing hysterically - while naked in a bath. Nice tatoos and pot belly, Darren.

Sigh.

The next contact showed much more promise. Nigel works in TV, is very cute, quite funny and knows how to use an apostrophe. I was further encouraged when he, impressively quickly, suggested meeting for a coffee that week. So, I accepted.

Then his emails began to dwell a lot more on things like his "abandonment issues",  "difficulty trusting women" and his "tendancy to sabotage relationships". I tried to ignore this and give him the benefit of the doubt.  So we began the process of arranging coffee.  Normally that process goes a bit like this:

Me: "Coffee this week sounds great. Thursday?"
Him: "Sounds good. Maybe after work then?"
Me: "Cool. I work in Ballsbridge - where are you based?"
Him: "IFSC. So maybe around Baggot St would be a good halfway point?"
Me: "Wonderful - see you then."

Instead, our exchange went a bit like this...

Me: "Coffee this week sounds great. Thursday?"
Him: "Sounds good. IFSC?"
Me: "Actually, I work in Ballsbridge - so that's not great for me?
Him: "It's actually not that far from Ballsbridge"
Me: "How about around Grafton St - probably halfway for both of us?"
Him: "Well, ok I suppose.  Maybe somewhere on the Grafton St side of IFSC?"
Me: "What's the story Nigel, will your parole alarm go off if you leave the confines of the IFSC?

Sigh again.

So anyway, I decided that Nigel and his trust issues might be better suited to someone else. Hopefully one frog (or fish) closer to a prince though.

Til next time.

Maybe my mother is right...

...maybe I do have committment issues - I can't even commit to a blog. 

So, I've been a very bad blogger. In my defence though, it's because I've been dating. 12 dates actually. A first date involving coffee,  a night at the theatre, several drinks, an afternoon spent shopping, 8 dinners (several of them cooked by him).  All in all, some great dates.  In a nutshell Donnacha is a very nice guy.  In fact, he well exceeds my friend Dr. Sarah's Minimum Man Criteria - not hideous with no visible signs of criminal psychosis,  Donnacha is about my age, generally well adjusted,  is extremely kind, smart, very generous, is good fun, gentlemanly, has his own home, has a good job, is good to his parents...  Unfortunately (and before you start thinking that this is going to be a very short blog or about to become Lucy Learns Wedded Bliss), this particular dating story is over.  We gave it a good shot but Donnacha was very definitely not for me. Nor I for him. But it was a really nice few months. It gave me hope in the process.

And now I'm back online. More on that anon.

Sometimes, men really are like buses..

Given how long it took to arrange just one date, I figured the next one might be a while away.  However, all of a sudden things took a turn for the better and I had 3 dates in two weeks.

1. Rob: an accountant, good fun, no major chemistry but had such a good night I would definitely have met him again. Except he didn't contact me .... and deleted his profile two days later.  Ah well.

2. Cyril: worked in IT.  Looked like someone who worked in IT. Talked like someone who worked in IT. By unspoken agreement we decided not to take it any further.

3. So third time lucky? Eoghan was a Management Consultant, my age, pretty articulate and funny (on email). In real life he was really boring and talked about the cost of things THE WHOLE NIGHT.  If he uttered the words "you wouldn't catch me there - do you know what they charge for a pint?" once he must have uttered it 60 times. I wouldn't have minded if he was genuinely broke or a student but he implied several times taht he was earning a fortune. It's the only time I've ever felt like doing a legger halfway through a date...

Three frogs closer to a price?  Hopefully.

Finally - we have lift-off!

I had been online for almost 3 months by the time I actually went on my first online date. Three months where I invested loads of time and made a huge effort in generating the quality emails and honing my how-to-ferret-out-and-avoid-the-crazies-and-timewasters technique.

Three long months.

In that three months I was asked out countless time by guys I had clicked with, exchanged photos, spent a bit of time sussing out and getting to know, swapped numbers and then.... nothing.  Seriously, why are these men on dating sites, going to the bother of asking women out and then nada.  Go figure.

Anyway, so I went through loads of those before I met Victor.. Victor and I emailed for weeks before we met up.  He gave seriously good email.  And I gave seriously good email back.  In fact we got on so well that for our first date we didn't do any pussy coffee or quick drink (like all my online dating savvy friends warned me were the only sensible first date options).  Oh no, we were getting on so well we decided that we'd go hell for leather and have a dinner and a whole evening together. I was so excited at the prospect of meeting him - purely because he seemed so lovely and we had gotten on so well over email. 

And that's how I learnt my first two key online dating lessons:

1. Getting on well with someone over email does not mean that you will get on with them in Real Life. Meet them asap to see if there is actually anything there.
2. Keep first dates brief.  Arrange a coffee or a quick drink after work. If all goes well you can extend it but if you have no interest you are able to easily get out of their without any awkwardness or without hurting anybody's feelings.

Victor and I had a nice dinner but after the build up it was quite a disappointment - for us both...  Par for the course I guess. 

A slow and time-intensive process...

What you probably don't realise about online dating is the amount of time it takes up. While I accept that you've got to put in to get it out; seriously, how does anyone have the time for this lark?  I presume I can't list this on my CV as an active hobby even though I must have spent 15 hours on Match.com in the first week. 15 hours!  Seriously - I could take up a new language with that sort of time investment. Or even take on that MBA I'm always talking about but claim to not have the time for...
a

And, after two weeks, there wasn't even the prospect of an actual date.  And do you know why? Because, and this came as quite the surprise to me, there are a lot of men on online dating sites who seem to only want to engage in email correspondence - and not actual romance.
a

And here is an example to illustrate this point.  The first guy to contact me sounded like a very solid prospect for at least an enjoyable date.  Attractive, creative, articulate, funny. Nice one I thought. Good start. He initiated contact by asking me if I liked Orange Juice smooth or with bits. I told him I liked my OJ like I liked my men. Smooth. But with bits. Hilarious he said. Why thank you I replied. And so we continued back and forth trying to out-funny each other. Several hours a day. For two weeks. 
a
At no point did he indicate that he'd like to meet me - or anyone else for that matter.  Meanwhile, I was generating (and receiving) some of the funniest one-liners known to man. Two weeks in though, reminding myself that I was doing this to meet the man of my dreams and not to win Irish Comedian of the Year, I walked away from cute creative guy. I still see him online all the time. I wonder if he ever actually goes on any real dates?  Or if he's thought about going into stand-up comedy...
a

At the end of my first two weeks online I added the following to my profile. "If I wanted a pen-pal I'd have made a better effort at keeping in touch with Declan from Irish College.  So if you're only interested in non-stop emailing (and never actually meeting-up) please do us both a favour and email someone else.."
a

Yeah, a bit prissy sounding but clear nonetheless.  Next.
a

Getting started....

Ok.  I'd said I would try this so I decided to have a little look.  Just a bit of research.  For science even.  Wasn't committing to anything....

A quick search on online dating in Dublin brought back a long list of websites. Everything from Naughty Dating to Older Dating; Lunchtime Dating to Thai Dating; Free Dating to Ultimate Dating, Rich Dating  to... you get the picture.  No shortage of dating sites then.  Who knew?  I'd heard of Match.com from a girl I used to work with who'd met her boyfriend there.  As far as I knew he hadn't ended up being criminally insane, wanted for fraud or looking for a visa to remain in Ireland so I figured I might as well start there. 

Now, a word of advice for any online dating virgins reading this.  Don't think you'll be in and dating quickly.  Just picking a user name alone must have taken 20 minutes.  Everything I could think of was already taken and naturally, as someone who works in sales and marketing, I was putting myself under serious pressure to hit just the right balance of nonchalantly intriguing with my username choice. (Seriously, I can't believe someone else was clever enough to think of Cute_Chocolate_Cornflake).

The next step is filling in all the profile questions.  And when I say all the questions, you have no idea.  They actually want to know how much money you made out of your First Holy Communion and the name of your mother's first pet.  It takes ages.  And the pressure to come across as (at an absolute minimum) exceptionally hot; clever but not in a threatening way; fun but not frivolous and witty but not silly. And low maintenance. And not desperate to be engaged within 3 month.  And not slutty or a prude. Or likely to stick pins in condoms.  Or as the owner of 27 cats.  Then there was my paranoia-induced answering questions in a way which protected my real identity.   For example, everyone I know knows what my favourite book is - so no way was I honestly answering that one. For the purposes of Match.com, Atonement it is.

Ok.  I was in and ready to start looking around.  Oh Jaysis, it's all so weird initially.  These are just a random selection of the thoughts that hit me over the first few minutes surfing an online dating site:

• Cringe.  I can't believe I'm doing this.
• Oh sweet Jesus, I know him!  I can't believe I know someone who's on an online dating site. (Oh hang on, technically I'm on an online dating site....)
• I really don't think I'll put up a photo 
• That's that IT guy from work.  No way am I putting up a photo.
• Imagine these are all single men.  This is a bit like shopping for a boyfriend.
• I really can't believe it's come to this...
• What was that?!  A wink?  Omigod, what do I do?  What's the protocol?  Do I wink back?  He's 55 years old.  Pervert.  How do I block him?
• Interesting.  If I just wanted to get married and procreate I could do so in the morning - and all in exchange for a visa.  Sorry Mohammad, I'm holding out for Mr. Right.

Bring it on.

The beginning...

What Cosmopolitan magazine might call a "Significant Relationship" ended last year. Unexpectedly. Out of the blue. Pulling the rug out from under me and leaving me utterly heartbroken, devastated, shocked and grieving. For the following eight months I kept busy. I decluttered & rearranged every wardrobe and press that I had, cleaned incessently, painted the spare room and basically worked myself through my long "to do" list of stuff that needed to be done around the house.  For all of this time I had no interest in meeting anyone else. There was no need - I was convinced that significant ex (Nick) would see the huge mistake he had made and we'd be back together, all the better for the perspective gained during our time apart in a mere matter of time.

Yep, not just a river in Egypt... 

8 months, an ocean of tears, a bad blind date and one ill judged booty call later and I was reluctantly ready to accept that I might not be growing old with Nick and so, should maybe start thinking about trying to meet someone new.  But we've all watched Sex and the City and as the old song goes; a good man is hard to find.  It was easier said than done.

Just to give you a bit of context. When it comes to meeting "someone new", I'm better placed than most.  I have a broad and eclectic circle of friends. In fact, if my social life was any healthier, I'd probably have difficulty holding down a job or staying solvent.  In the past I've done the evening courses, the activity weekends, the ski holidays, the wine tasting, the singles events. I've been set up. I've asked the universe. I've asked my (now deceased) grandmother to put in a good word for me with the man upstairs. I've agreed to blind dates, and generally put myself out there.   What's more, I'm a nice girl. I'm no Einstein but I get by. I'm no Angelina but definitely acceptable. I am by no means over confident but I do strongly believe one thing. I. Should. Not. Be. Single.  But the nub of it is; I am.   And I came to an uncomfortable realisation - if I do end up single at 70, I will, for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, have to be able to say that I did everything I possibly could to not be single. No regrets and all that.... And unfortunately, in the 21st century, that means at least trying internet dating. 

This was prompted by my friend Lisa.  She called me at work.

"You need to start online dating."

"No way! How could you even suggest such a thing?  I'm still very fragile ..."

"Fragile my backside.  It's been 8 months. You need to stop wallowing - and by the way, you are now officially wallowing...  And, Margaret at work started online dating 6 months ago and  (insert dramatic pause) met The One".

(Really Lisa, I thought to myself, The One?  Lisa is a very left brain accountant who, despite being blissfully married to the man of her dreams, is, I'm fairly sure, not entirely convinced of the notion of The One.  But apparently the results were speaking for themselves - only six months after first meeting, Margaret and her The One were now gleefully spending their weekends in Ikea and TileStyle so it's all happily ever after for them. Lisa's message was clear - The One might be waiting for you online so get you there asap. And she was not accepting no for an answer).

Sigh. "Well ok then I'll do up a profile and maybe check out some sites but I'm not promising that I'll actually meet anyone or anything.... "

"Good girl. You've very brave".

(Lisa is a new parent and so big on both tough love and positive reinforcement).

So that's my background and how I came to be online dating. It's been a few months. The learning curve has been pretty steep. It has had its ups and its downs but it hasn't been boring... Hey, sure that's why I'm blogging about it.