Finally - we have lift-off!

I had been online for almost 3 months by the time I actually went on my first online date. Three months where I invested loads of time and made a huge effort in generating the quality emails and honing my how-to-ferret-out-and-avoid-the-crazies-and-timewasters technique.

Three long months.

In that three months I was asked out countless time by guys I had clicked with, exchanged photos, spent a bit of time sussing out and getting to know, swapped numbers and then.... nothing.  Seriously, why are these men on dating sites, going to the bother of asking women out and then nada.  Go figure.

Anyway, so I went through loads of those before I met Victor.. Victor and I emailed for weeks before we met up.  He gave seriously good email.  And I gave seriously good email back.  In fact we got on so well that for our first date we didn't do any pussy coffee or quick drink (like all my online dating savvy friends warned me were the only sensible first date options).  Oh no, we were getting on so well we decided that we'd go hell for leather and have a dinner and a whole evening together. I was so excited at the prospect of meeting him - purely because he seemed so lovely and we had gotten on so well over email. 

And that's how I learnt my first two key online dating lessons:

1. Getting on well with someone over email does not mean that you will get on with them in Real Life. Meet them asap to see if there is actually anything there.
2. Keep first dates brief.  Arrange a coffee or a quick drink after work. If all goes well you can extend it but if you have no interest you are able to easily get out of their without any awkwardness or without hurting anybody's feelings.

Victor and I had a nice dinner but after the build up it was quite a disappointment - for us both...  Par for the course I guess. 

A slow and time-intensive process...

What you probably don't realise about online dating is the amount of time it takes up. While I accept that you've got to put in to get it out; seriously, how does anyone have the time for this lark?  I presume I can't list this on my CV as an active hobby even though I must have spent 15 hours on Match.com in the first week. 15 hours!  Seriously - I could take up a new language with that sort of time investment. Or even take on that MBA I'm always talking about but claim to not have the time for...
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And, after two weeks, there wasn't even the prospect of an actual date.  And do you know why? Because, and this came as quite the surprise to me, there are a lot of men on online dating sites who seem to only want to engage in email correspondence - and not actual romance.
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And here is an example to illustrate this point.  The first guy to contact me sounded like a very solid prospect for at least an enjoyable date.  Attractive, creative, articulate, funny. Nice one I thought. Good start. He initiated contact by asking me if I liked Orange Juice smooth or with bits. I told him I liked my OJ like I liked my men. Smooth. But with bits. Hilarious he said. Why thank you I replied. And so we continued back and forth trying to out-funny each other. Several hours a day. For two weeks. 
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At no point did he indicate that he'd like to meet me - or anyone else for that matter.  Meanwhile, I was generating (and receiving) some of the funniest one-liners known to man. Two weeks in though, reminding myself that I was doing this to meet the man of my dreams and not to win Irish Comedian of the Year, I walked away from cute creative guy. I still see him online all the time. I wonder if he ever actually goes on any real dates?  Or if he's thought about going into stand-up comedy...
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At the end of my first two weeks online I added the following to my profile. "If I wanted a pen-pal I'd have made a better effort at keeping in touch with Declan from Irish College.  So if you're only interested in non-stop emailing (and never actually meeting-up) please do us both a favour and email someone else.."
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Yeah, a bit prissy sounding but clear nonetheless.  Next.
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Getting started....

Ok.  I'd said I would try this so I decided to have a little look.  Just a bit of research.  For science even.  Wasn't committing to anything....

A quick search on online dating in Dublin brought back a long list of websites. Everything from Naughty Dating to Older Dating; Lunchtime Dating to Thai Dating; Free Dating to Ultimate Dating, Rich Dating  to... you get the picture.  No shortage of dating sites then.  Who knew?  I'd heard of Match.com from a girl I used to work with who'd met her boyfriend there.  As far as I knew he hadn't ended up being criminally insane, wanted for fraud or looking for a visa to remain in Ireland so I figured I might as well start there. 

Now, a word of advice for any online dating virgins reading this.  Don't think you'll be in and dating quickly.  Just picking a user name alone must have taken 20 minutes.  Everything I could think of was already taken and naturally, as someone who works in sales and marketing, I was putting myself under serious pressure to hit just the right balance of nonchalantly intriguing with my username choice. (Seriously, I can't believe someone else was clever enough to think of Cute_Chocolate_Cornflake).

The next step is filling in all the profile questions.  And when I say all the questions, you have no idea.  They actually want to know how much money you made out of your First Holy Communion and the name of your mother's first pet.  It takes ages.  And the pressure to come across as (at an absolute minimum) exceptionally hot; clever but not in a threatening way; fun but not frivolous and witty but not silly. And low maintenance. And not desperate to be engaged within 3 month.  And not slutty or a prude. Or likely to stick pins in condoms.  Or as the owner of 27 cats.  Then there was my paranoia-induced answering questions in a way which protected my real identity.   For example, everyone I know knows what my favourite book is - so no way was I honestly answering that one. For the purposes of Match.com, Atonement it is.

Ok.  I was in and ready to start looking around.  Oh Jaysis, it's all so weird initially.  These are just a random selection of the thoughts that hit me over the first few minutes surfing an online dating site:

• Cringe.  I can't believe I'm doing this.
• Oh sweet Jesus, I know him!  I can't believe I know someone who's on an online dating site. (Oh hang on, technically I'm on an online dating site....)
• I really don't think I'll put up a photo 
• That's that IT guy from work.  No way am I putting up a photo.
• Imagine these are all single men.  This is a bit like shopping for a boyfriend.
• I really can't believe it's come to this...
• What was that?!  A wink?  Omigod, what do I do?  What's the protocol?  Do I wink back?  He's 55 years old.  Pervert.  How do I block him?
• Interesting.  If I just wanted to get married and procreate I could do so in the morning - and all in exchange for a visa.  Sorry Mohammad, I'm holding out for Mr. Right.

Bring it on.

The beginning...

What Cosmopolitan magazine might call a "Significant Relationship" ended last year. Unexpectedly. Out of the blue. Pulling the rug out from under me and leaving me utterly heartbroken, devastated, shocked and grieving. For the following eight months I kept busy. I decluttered & rearranged every wardrobe and press that I had, cleaned incessently, painted the spare room and basically worked myself through my long "to do" list of stuff that needed to be done around the house.  For all of this time I had no interest in meeting anyone else. There was no need - I was convinced that significant ex (Nick) would see the huge mistake he had made and we'd be back together, all the better for the perspective gained during our time apart in a mere matter of time.

Yep, not just a river in Egypt... 

8 months, an ocean of tears, a bad blind date and one ill judged booty call later and I was reluctantly ready to accept that I might not be growing old with Nick and so, should maybe start thinking about trying to meet someone new.  But we've all watched Sex and the City and as the old song goes; a good man is hard to find.  It was easier said than done.

Just to give you a bit of context. When it comes to meeting "someone new", I'm better placed than most.  I have a broad and eclectic circle of friends. In fact, if my social life was any healthier, I'd probably have difficulty holding down a job or staying solvent.  In the past I've done the evening courses, the activity weekends, the ski holidays, the wine tasting, the singles events. I've been set up. I've asked the universe. I've asked my (now deceased) grandmother to put in a good word for me with the man upstairs. I've agreed to blind dates, and generally put myself out there.   What's more, I'm a nice girl. I'm no Einstein but I get by. I'm no Angelina but definitely acceptable. I am by no means over confident but I do strongly believe one thing. I. Should. Not. Be. Single.  But the nub of it is; I am.   And I came to an uncomfortable realisation - if I do end up single at 70, I will, for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, have to be able to say that I did everything I possibly could to not be single. No regrets and all that.... And unfortunately, in the 21st century, that means at least trying internet dating. 

This was prompted by my friend Lisa.  She called me at work.

"You need to start online dating."

"No way! How could you even suggest such a thing?  I'm still very fragile ..."

"Fragile my backside.  It's been 8 months. You need to stop wallowing - and by the way, you are now officially wallowing...  And, Margaret at work started online dating 6 months ago and  (insert dramatic pause) met The One".

(Really Lisa, I thought to myself, The One?  Lisa is a very left brain accountant who, despite being blissfully married to the man of her dreams, is, I'm fairly sure, not entirely convinced of the notion of The One.  But apparently the results were speaking for themselves - only six months after first meeting, Margaret and her The One were now gleefully spending their weekends in Ikea and TileStyle so it's all happily ever after for them. Lisa's message was clear - The One might be waiting for you online so get you there asap. And she was not accepting no for an answer).

Sigh. "Well ok then I'll do up a profile and maybe check out some sites but I'm not promising that I'll actually meet anyone or anything.... "

"Good girl. You've very brave".

(Lisa is a new parent and so big on both tough love and positive reinforcement).

So that's my background and how I came to be online dating. It's been a few months. The learning curve has been pretty steep. It has had its ups and its downs but it hasn't been boring... Hey, sure that's why I'm blogging about it.