Dusting myself off (again)

It's clearly time for a change in strategy - if only to keep myself enthused about the whole process.  So, I'm putting my POF account on the back burner for a while and re-joining Match.com.  And putting a photograph on my profile..

The "photo on profile" causes a lot of debate.  To date I have never posted a public photo. I say on my various profiles that I'm happy to share private photos but just don't want to post a public one.  And while I also include the fact that this is not because I'm hideous, famous or wanted for murder; it definitely puts some guys off engaging with you. And there is nothing as confidence shattering as building up a rapport with someone on email, getting excited by the sound of someone, getting hopeful about next steps, swapping photos... and never hearing from them again.

So why not post a photo?  The reason is that I just haven't been that brave - and I don't want to be in a work meeting wondering how many of the people around the table have seen me online desperately looking for love.  But, as by friend Liz said recently as she posted a photo to her own profile, what of it?  We are looking to meet someone and who cares who knows it?

So, taking a deep breath, I submitted a few (hopefully) witty lines, my credit card details and the best photo I could find to Match.com. And sat back and waited. And got a wink. And then another wink. And an email. (The email may have been from a 52 year old in France but it's still an email!).

So, I'm marginally excited about exploring the new possibilities on Match.com over the next while.  Will keep you posted.

Lucy.

PS: I've just been contacted (on POF) by "SpankMaster".  Now what do you think he was looking for??

Ok, next chapter..

Ok, so sporty David has finally strapped a pair on and dumped me. By text.  An hour before I was due to meet him for a date.

While I can console myself with the knowledge that he clearly wasn't the lovely guy I initially thought he was, gaddammit but it still hurts. Firstly, I really liked him. Secondly, someone treating you so shabbily really doesn't do your confidence a whole lot of good. 

All I can do is add this to the list of hilarious stories that I'll one day regale my wedding guests with and try and summon up the enthusiasm to get back online.  Not today though - I definitely need a bit more licking my wounds time. 

That glimmer is looking a bit dim....

I'm still seeing David. Kind of.  I'm no longer all that excited about it though - he's managing wonderfully to kill any excitement I have about him through his general apathy and lethergy. 

So, over the past 6 weeks, what with Easter, holidays, his very busy sports schedule, etc; the dates have been few and far between. To give you a sense of just how few and far between; I was due to see him today for the first time in over 2 weeks but he just cancelled. The last guy I dated I was seeing twice a week at this stage so I'm definitely not loving the frequency.

And the frequency is important. I want to see if David is potentially someone for me.  To make that assessment I at least need to be seeing him on a somewhat regular basis and hearing from him in between those dates.. I do like him and the dates are great but he never phones, he rarely texts and is completely lastminute.com about arranging to meet.  Am I just fooling myself and not facing the inevitable? 

And let me tell you about the inevitable.  The inevitable being that David is another of the type I seem to meet all the time.  In fact my friend Dee once said "Lucy, there are just some emotionally retarded men out there who will never be able for a relationship - and you seem to meet all of them".

Anyway, as I type - pissed off at being cancelled by text at the last minute - I fear I've probably met another emotionally useless one. Time will tell.

The Outlet...

So my friend Kate has an analogy on online dating. 

Online dating is like an outlet store. There's a reason why all of the fashion is there. A lot of it isn't great.  Some of it just never wore well on day one.  But for some of it - a few rare items - it's day in fashion is yet to come. And when that day comes; it will wear very, very well.

A glimmer..

So, I'm dating someone new.  ("Dating" - I sound like a New Yorker).  He's the first person that I've been remotely excited about since I started this whole process. His was actually one of the first profiles I saw a year ago when I started online dating but I though at the time that he looked a bit arrogant so I never contacted him.  He also specified that he was looking for someone very, very sporty....  Then about a month ago when I was back online after Donnacha I came across him again, added running to my list of hobbies on my profile and I added him to my favourites. And then he emailed me. And  I emailed back. And a week later he asked me out and then I broke ALL my rules and went on a Saturday night date with him. 

And three weeks later here we are.  So I like him,  Which is good. It's also a prize pain in the ass. Our first date was great - and I think the following 3 were great but he's giving nothing away so it's hard to call it.

So, we'll just have to watch this space. I'm meeting him again on Thursday (before I go on holidays on Saturday). So, like I said, time will tell..

Why am I still single?

I was going through my internet favourites folder this week and I came across this article "Why am I still single?" written by Gemma Soames in The Sunday Times a few years ago.  In her article Gemma talks hilariously but sincerely about being almost permanently single and the list of attributes the man of her dreams will possess.

All us singletons ask ourselves this question every now and again. Why am I still single?  We blame the apparent male:female ratio distortion, our mothers, our sins in a past life and ultimately ourselves for things we should have done differently, the lost love we clung on to for far too long, that dodgy haircut we probably sported for too many years...

But the reality is we all have some sort of list of what we're looking for - the things we are unwilling to compromise on.  In low moments, my friend Dr. Sarah has stated the minimum criteria she's looking for in a love match as "not hideous with no visible signs of criminal psychosis".  In her more optimistic moments she amends this to "A good kisser, who is not hideous or mean, with no visible signs of criminal psychosis". At the other end of the spectrum is a rather uptight friend of a friend whose non negotiable list includes the postcode the man grew up in, a post-graduate qualification, height, shoe size, eye colour, type of school attended as well as a raft of other, largely obnoxious, factors.

  

Reading Gemma's article I realised that I do have a bit of a list.  My last boyfriend taught me a lot about what I really valued. When I met him I realised that the few things that I’d always felt were non negotiable – entertaining extrovert, passionate interest in food, owner of a full head of hair - were not only negotiable; they were deeply unimportant in the greater scheme of things.

So, my list is as follows. a tall, handsome, slightly lonely, millionaire.  Kidding, I'm kidding!

So, seriously. His most defining features need to be his honesty and integrity. He needs to be calm without being excessively laid back.  He needs to be (quietly) confident without being in anyway over-powering. He needs to be good company without being attention seeking. He needs to be generous but easily accept generosity from me too.  He needs to eat vegetables.  I will fancy him like mad. He needs to be smart. He won't play games. He's not flashy or showey. He will think my stories are hilarious/insightful/incredibly interesting. In fact, he's going to think I'm fabulous.

He will have a healthy relationship with his family.  And be just old-fashioned enough (chivalrous, opens doors, walks on the outside of the pavement) but in no way chauvinistic or closed minded.  And I would choose his company over anyone else’s in the whole world. 

Like Gemma's list, this is the abridged criteria - and might explain why I'm single at (almost) 35 and online dating....

Back in the saddle...

So, I'm back on plentyoffish.com now for about three weeks.. I've created a new profile and I'm using some new photos - just to avoid the feeling of deja vu.  My first (badly written) contact was from a guy called Darren. His picture showed him laughing hysterically - while naked in a bath. Nice tatoos and pot belly, Darren.

Sigh.

The next contact showed much more promise. Nigel works in TV, is very cute, quite funny and knows how to use an apostrophe. I was further encouraged when he, impressively quickly, suggested meeting for a coffee that week. So, I accepted.

Then his emails began to dwell a lot more on things like his "abandonment issues",  "difficulty trusting women" and his "tendancy to sabotage relationships". I tried to ignore this and give him the benefit of the doubt.  So we began the process of arranging coffee.  Normally that process goes a bit like this:

Me: "Coffee this week sounds great. Thursday?"
Him: "Sounds good. Maybe after work then?"
Me: "Cool. I work in Ballsbridge - where are you based?"
Him: "IFSC. So maybe around Baggot St would be a good halfway point?"
Me: "Wonderful - see you then."

Instead, our exchange went a bit like this...

Me: "Coffee this week sounds great. Thursday?"
Him: "Sounds good. IFSC?"
Me: "Actually, I work in Ballsbridge - so that's not great for me?
Him: "It's actually not that far from Ballsbridge"
Me: "How about around Grafton St - probably halfway for both of us?"
Him: "Well, ok I suppose.  Maybe somewhere on the Grafton St side of IFSC?"
Me: "What's the story Nigel, will your parole alarm go off if you leave the confines of the IFSC?

Sigh again.

So anyway, I decided that Nigel and his trust issues might be better suited to someone else. Hopefully one frog (or fish) closer to a prince though.

Til next time.